My weekend at Camp Do More was a very emotional one for me. I came in with an attitude like, “Ok, I’m going to do this. I bought my ticket because it was imperative to me at the end of camp last year, and here I am.” What I didn’t really have in the forefront of my mind was that I had secretly given up on myself over the course of the last twelve months. I honestly regretted this trip to Camp Do More because of the expense that was incurred in the registration, the plane ticket, and the hotel, along with the other trip expenses for participating. I thought to myself, “There you went again, making another quick decision to put you in the hole, based on your momentary emotions.”
And yes, when I registered last year, it was a quick no-brainer. And yes, the emotions were high when I charged my debit card. I questioned if I belonged at camp. I saw myself as someone who could not afford the things that other people there could afford, like new workout clothes, cute haircuts and restaurant food, and certainly not trips to California! But it turns out that I resolved last year to pay my way no matter what. I would get there somehow. My sister, Vanessa, booked the flight and the hotel, and there was no turning back.
The first day, as we flew out, I felt like a total observer. Thoughts went through my head that weren’t so clear, but kind of said, “I’m not one of them.” As Lizzy and Nessa talked about their workout classes, I thought about my failure to get a good class started and to stay focused enough to keep it going and try again. I realized how I lost sight of my goals and vision, and how I’d given up. I’ve observed time and time again, a repeated pattern of extreme energy and optimism for my passion, followed by imminent failure and disappointment.
When we arrived at the hotel, I was so excited! The beauty of California and the Hilton hotel instantly charged me with joy and wonder. I worked out so hard with Chalene and the Powder Blue crew. I had missed this SO MUCH: the fun, the music, the sweat, the smiles, the moves. Just get it all out in punch, kick, jabs. More fun that evening included a walk to downtown Disney with Ness, Liz, and the really great people who opened the invitation on our team Facebook Page. On the long walk, we shared stories and smiles. As we opened our hearts and our worlds to one another, I felt so comfortable, so happy. We sat down to eat at a restaurant, and when the menu was in front of me, I realized that I couldn’t afford this dinner. I was so tight on my budget (if you could even call it a budget) that I got sick to my stomach everytime I had to go into my wallet. No regrets, but that was my first and one of the only meals at camp. The food was too expensive!
The next day, I was soooooo sore! My mood was shot down the toilet, as I checked my bank account and my child support account over and over on my iPhone trying to figure out how much money I had left after camp. My anxiety was amplified and my morale was diminished. My mom wanted to put money in my account from home, but the whole point was that I wanted to do this on my own. Numerous texts from my boyfriend all day calling me “stubborn” and “frustrating” only made it worse.
After the workouts that day, Liz and Nessa went to eat and go to the fashion show. I stayed in my room in bed, so sore that I could hardly move, and beat myself up inside of my own head. I thought about how I physically fell off the fitness wagon. How could that happen after all of my excitement after camp last year? How could I continue to allow complicated and difficult situations to flood into and control my life? How could I get to a good place and let myself wander back into emotional darkness? Why can’t I just have what everyone else has? Why can’t I plan accordingly? I let myself down again and again, and I thought about all of the people in my life that I would probably disappoint over and over. Chalene’s talk today was about influencing others, but how could I influence anyone? I hadn’t even been able to uphold my personal conviction, motivation, or self-control. I hated that I was in this place in my mind. I got into bed long before dinner and I cried myself to sleep. I had enough energy and self-respect to brush my teeth and wash my face before bed, but that was just about all I had in me after what I had done to myself mentally and emotionally that day.
Saturday, I woke up, and I already knew that it was a huge turning point for me. I got out of bed barely being able to think about getting up or sitting down without fear of intense soreness and pain. My turbo muscles were out of practice and very strained. I knew that today it was going to be breakfast, lunch, and dinner: the Healthiest Meal of the Day, SHAKEOLOGY! And, oh, was it delicious! I busted a sweat in the 6:15am workouts. Already I was poking big holes in the recently re-affirmed negative beliefs about myself that I had already squashed once the year before at Camp Do More: the belief that I was unable to wake up early and have energy. My mind was moving in a positive direction as I heard Brian Tracy talk, and I realized that, yes, I have changed my life quite drastically since my first year at Camp Do More in 2011. Knowing that I can be in control and that today was a new start was an amazing feeling. Hearing Chalene, then Brian, then Trina was just what I needed.
I thought about my kids and how they deserve a happy mom. Chalene said something about how her mom never put herself down and that was the key to her confidence as a child. She never learned the habit of beating herself up or putting herself down. It amazed me to see that the insecurities of my children were seeded from my own expression of my lack of self-esteem, whether it came out in lack of motivation, lack of focus, or just not caring enough about myself to take the time to do the things that mattered most to me and my success. At the dance party that night, being called a goddess by a lovely smiling woman I didn’t even know, feeling the culmination of my camp experience, knowing that my mind and heart was changed for the better once again, I made the same promise to myself this year that I did the year before. This is MY life, these are MY people, I’m realizing MY success, and I’m gaining MY sustenance!
Joy fills my heart every moment as I still continually encounter the frustration and disappointment that lurks around every corner in everyday life. However, I see it in a completely different light now, a light that shines on something I achieved to do right for myself. I paid for my own ticket this year, “Hallelurr!” (as Chalene said during one of the Hustle workouts) I have the light of self-confidence back to guide me and give me courage. I’m sort of crying as I write this, sitting between two strangers on a plane. But that’s what Camp Do More does to a person who comes there to find deep personal meaning and lasting developmental change. It takes you apart and puts you back together again a little bit better, and tears and sweat are the glue that binds the pieces of the new you. I’m not saying I’m a different person in any way; I’m still awkward and a little outside for myself usually. I still havent completely found my sweet spot in life and really started to grow and flourish. I’m still weeding my garden. I have the tools that show me how and the energy to tend the bed of my soul like a turbo-girl on a double shot of espresso! On day 3, the soreness was all just about gone! I guess I danced it out at the dance party and my body obeyed my mind to just work it out and get it done! We had the best glow-in-the-dark Turbo workout ever!
I have re-learned the true value of money, prioritizing, and planning finances. I have definitely found a new appreciation and respect for food and all of the blessings that are abundant all around me. Speaking of blessings, Liz’s friend Alex, who lived in the area, was able to give us a ride from the hotel to the airport, which freed up $10 of mine that would’ve gone to a shuttle. In that case, I was able to enjoy a delicious Asian-style meal at the airport before the flight! Thanks, Alex, wherever you are!!
I already miss my Camp Do More brothers and sisters. Next year will be a new adventure in my personal journey. God knows what I will do with the next year ahead. What I do know is, no matter how turbulent it is, it will bring me back by plane to California, my happy place: Camp Do More 2013!
